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Comedian, talk show host and ice road trucker. My tweets are real, and they’re spectacular.

39,342 Following   31,120,338 Followers   9,205 Tweets

Join Twitter 8/14/08

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I’m starting something new. It's called “You’re Welcome: by Ellen DeGeneres." Here’s the first one. You’re welcome. http://t.co/UxvZ3C7EvJ6 Days and counting! #SeasonPremiere http://t.co/DjIvczckeBLabor Day was really fun. Every wknd should be 3 days. We can still have 5 workdays, we'll just add a day on the end. We'll call it Flursday
.@carrieunderwood is expecting her first baby! Congratulations, Carrie and Mike. This is what Labor Day is all about..@NickiMinaj. @KimKardashian. @IGGYAZALEA. They all have one huge thing in common. They're on my premiere week! Starting one week from todayOne week and counting to premiere! Happy Labor Day. http://t.co/SdybvdCqIC
I think we should all pull over for a moment to reflect on the meaning of Labor Day. Especially if you’re on the 405 heading North right nowHaters gonna hate, but not this kid. https://t.co/a3F84mVDKRI love @katyperry. Clearly, I'm not alone. http://t.co/Jjx4dyDZo9I just found out Hello Kitty isn’t a cat. She does appear to have whiskers. I’m not judging. I’m just piecing this all together for myself.
11 days until the season 12 premiere! I can’t wait for September 8th. http://t.co/p0T8a7kypGHappy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/n8gUMckLbNI’m thinking about you, @Joan_Rivers, and sending lots of love your way.Brad & Angelina got married! It was a very intimate ceremony with family & close friends. At least that's what the bouncer out front told meI’ll miss @DianeSawyer on the news every night. Now I’ll only hear from her when she calls to tell me what happened on “Pretty Little Liars”
Soon, some very exciting people will be walking through this door and onto my stage. #Hyperlapse http://t.co/QsR4S3CNCNWhat did the sheep say when all of his friends left without him? What the flock?! #ClassicJokeWednesday@kristobellerose That’s sweet. You don’t have to wait much longer!This little piggy went viral. Adorable. http://t.co/a03hZqiZQ1What’s the most popular sitcom in the ocean? Tuna Half Men #ClassicJokeWednesday
I had a great time shooting this with @ChelseaHandler. Interesting fact - her breasts are pixilated in real life. https://t.co/PwoAsYAn8XThat baby is too dang cute! RT @drewbrees The best selfie ever!Happy National Dog Day! http://t.co/B2kzZJFgcpThanks, @VanstoneL! Now, if you could just send me the cat, we’ll be all set.It's Melissa McCarthy’s birthday! How are the post offices still open?This cockatoo is the Oprah of biscuits. You get a biscuit! You get a biscuit! EVERYBODY GETS A BISCUIT! http://t.co/N8kAz4KWsk
Congratulations, "Modern Family!" They said America wasn’t ready, but you proved them wrong. Of course, I’m talking about @SofiaVergara.It's an amazing night for @BreakingBad_AMC. Congratulations! I can't wait for next season.Way to go, @OfficialJLD! Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Such a great category. I’m so proud that a woman won. #Emmys.@AllisonBJanney takes home another Emmy! Wonderful. I added it to her Tinder profile.Somebody get this parrot a motorcycle jacket. http://t.co/Pj9iftYvqwGood luck tonight, @SethMeyers! If you get nervous, just picture everyone naked. Based on the outfits at the VMAs, it shouldn't be hard.Happy birthday, Ben Falcone! I’m giving ya the gift of reminding you that your wife, Melissa McCarthy’s birthday is tomorrow. You’re welcomeI need to teach my cats this. Right now they’re working on putting the cap back on the toothpaste. http://t.co/LTjV1tJzSh
Hoping that everyone involved in the Napa #earthquake is okay. Thank you to all the incredible rescue workers.
Happy #CatVideoFriday! #TGIF http://t.co/Bk2ZZEINCIFXX is airing #EverySimpsonsEver. I can’t wait for my episode. I’ll see you August 31st at 3:30am!Happy biirthday, Kristen Wiig!
This @Coldplay playlist is my spirit animal. http://t.co/YpRmtg4hQjHappy #ThrowbackThursday! Today I’m throwing all the way back. http://t.co/GdqZ0V02zqIf you watch 1 #ALSIceBucketChallenge, make it this. @CarbajalPhoto, I'll accept if you come on my premiere show. https://t.co/rCOC4EZ8NNI have the same hesitation about getting off the couch. http://t.co/VXLoIc1gV5Happy birthday @HaydenPanettier! I’ve got something in the oven baking for your birthday! I hear you have something in the oven, too.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI'll let someone else share this song with the world,Someone who helped inspire it. And @theellenshow -you truly inspire me. #shatteredglass
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresI love that @BradPaisley chose me to premiere his incredible new song. Almost as much as I love this song. https://t.co/uT8ogTPXwdWhy wasn’t the cow worried when her spare tire burst? She had an udder. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy birthday, @AndrewGarfield! I almost forgot today was the day, but then I saw it on the web. #ClassicJokeWednesday
Local commercials aren’t always bad. Sometimes they’re, well, they’re this. http://t.co/ToMNct1oyxHappy birthday, @MatthewPerry! I didn’t know what to get you, so I thought I would just remind you of this moment. http://t.co/IvQDZqNESiHappy birthday, Mr. President @BillClinton!To watch David Letterman’s admiration for Robin Williams is overwhelming. What a beautiful tribute. https://t.co/eB7lOuqMxs
Don't mess with @TaylorSwift13, or she will write an incredibly catchy song about you. http://t.co/ryYA6Mp25ICongratulations to the wonderful @AllisonBJanney on her Emmy win! That makes 5! Incredible. I have more than that, but still, great work.The world is made with code. And, as @Beyonce said, who run the world? Girls. http://t.co/cKuXoJVOSiCongrats @Xtina and baby Summer Rain! I hear she’s already hanging out with baby North West! Nope, never mind. That was a weather report.This happens every time I try to shoot a time-lapse video of Glacier National Park http://t.co/7zyPqsZ1xP
Look what my wife did for our wedding anniversary. Six!" http://t.co/x97HmvnG6Y
Steeeerike! Mo'ne Davis is the first girl to pitch a Little League World Series shutout. Talk about groundbreaking.I’m absolutely doing this next time I’m at the beach. http://t.co/8LlfLEGnKI@TheEllenShow welcome to our family. X
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneresHappy #CatPhotoFriday http://t.co/zutPUNRLasThis kid is incredible. I think I just found the drummer for my Devo tribute band. http://t.co/6UIKh5sDE0I saw the water bottle in the “Downton Abbey” photo, but I’m surprised no one noticed the underwear. http://t.co/ZQu6749OAF#HappyBirthdayJenniferLawrence! You’ve accomplished so much, it’s astounding. I’m sure nobody remembers how you tripped at the Oscars.
Happy birthday, Mila Kunis! I don’t know when you’re due, but if you play your cards right, you could turn this birthday into a two-fer.Our First Family Photo http://t.co/txevAfU8ycFor the 1st time ever, a woman has won the Fields Medal for math! Congratulations, Maryam Mirzakhani! You really gave it 135%.There’s a tiny new anchor on the Today Show! Congratulations, @SavannahGuthrie and baby Vale!
Why did the cross country skier retire? His career started to go downhill. #ClassicJokeWednesdayHappy #ClassicJokeWednesday #SharkWeek http://t.co/ByWSUgSYMDI just got 3 times happier. http://t.co/bCuIDRwd82Where do spiders find mates? On the web. #ClassicJokeWednesday
Retweeted by Ellen DeGeneres
I can’t believe the news about Robin Williams. He gave so much to so many people. I’m heartbroken.Happy Shark Week! I love a week dedicated to the ocean’s most unforgiving predators. I can say that. Some of my best friends are sharks.Happy birthday, Viola Davis! I can’t wait to watch your new show. @ShondaRhimes really knows how to pick actresses.The #supermoon was incredible. One of the best. At least that's what I hear. I fell asleep while it was still light out. Did it have a cape?
All this kitty needs is a racket and a corporate sponsor. http://t.co/JcmzvlmOf0
A baby armadillo playing with a teddy bear. My life is now complete. http://t.co/di0jxQvJc4Here are some of my favorite moments from “Kevin the Cashier.” It gets me every time. http://t.co/iiSbmHlEYpMy friend, @official_tWitch’s movie, “Step Up: All In,” opens today! Step up, step out, and step on over to the movie theater.It’s World Cat Day! If only I had an adorable cat photo to share with you. Oh wait, I do. http://t.co/UmyAFbBox6
Happy #ThrowbackThursday http://t.co/1PDz4ADPMFNothin says #TBT like dance class photos. I never took class, but I’m sure glad these folks did. #Natural #HumbleBrag http://t.co/kSrfeVngAGHappy birthday, @CharlizeAfrica. Portia & I are playing Scrabble tonight and you're welcome to come. Bring your family. #GameofTherons
Why did the elevator go see the doctor? It was coming down with something. #ClassicJokeWednesdayWhere did the seaweed go to find a job? The Kelp Wanted section. #ClassicJokeWednesdayI got my hands on an iPhone 6. It’s wider & heavier, but I like it. 2 screens! Apple didn’t send it, I just glued 2 iPhone 3s back-to-back.A piece of advice I wish someone had told me: Wear shower sandals. #FreshmanAdvice
This is too cute. I can’t stand it. http://t.co/524tMF67q6This is insane. I've never met anyone who reacts the same way to @katyperry as I do. http://t.co/CgXx1UZjFKHappy #TransformationTuesday! Look what I just saw on the side of my studio. http://t.co/hO4F9b9cEaI love a hashtag I can get behind. #Anaconda http://t.co/4mgrY72vl6I wasn’t looking for another reason to love @TaylorSwift13, but I found one. http://t.co/SiBh7sTImZ
This guy plays his trombone ‘til the cows come home. http://t.co/x00Bw4Le56Happy birthday, Mr. President! Please send my love to Mrs. President and those two beautiful Vice Presidents, Sasha and Malia..@BachParadise premieres tonight. They’re all gonna leave paradise with something that lasts forever. Love. I'm talking about love.Just heard @NickiMinaj's #AnacondaOnITunes. I’m not saying I understood everything she said, I’m just saying please no one explain it to me.
Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson are two of the greatest living actors. They proved it on my show. http://t.co/z3bNGNzzJT
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